BLAH BLAH BLAH…SKOTTY WROTE A BOOK ABOUT…BLAH BLAH BLAH
You poor thang…it really bothers you that the Hoodoo know more than yoodoo doesn’t it? This is why you are here right…to find out just exactly what the scoop is on the Hoodoo? Sadly there is no way a preschool drop-out like you is even capable of grasping the raw nature of Hoodoo Enlightenment…but I sure wouldn’t fault a peep like you for trying. Oh So…what…now you’re offended? You’re easy…I can hardly wait to disrespect you some more! Of course I mean this in jest.
Since we got off on the wrong foot in that last paragraph…let’s start over. Welcome to Skottybee’s place where you will hopefully stay long enough to read about my new book…”A Bean in the Wheel”. Ahhh…the questions…the questions… “Skottybee…What’s your stoopit book about?” “Skottybee How long did it take you to write your stoopit book?” “Skottybee…Why did you write a stoopit book when you could’ve just opened a hot dog cart?”
By all means loving pedestrian…feel free to navigate the site and read about the book’s characters. Along the way…I hope you will discover some interesting things and chortle just a bit!
As for a synopsis about the book…I don’t have to do anything you say! You are not the boss over me! I will understand however, if my site isn’t for you just as I am sure you will understand why I won’t recommend your stoopit little hot dog cart to my friends! You probably use meat fillers anyway.
No seriously…I’m just kidding. I actually like you and thanks for coming…you and that Wayward crush of poodles…you call friends!
Continue on to read about each character.
Click each character for their name.
“Dinkum” is Aussie slang meaning “Genuine, honest, and true”. (HA!) He maintains this poochey beefcake by pounding out bottomless jugs of them yummy Rootbeer Floats and those delectable 25lb “fatback” cheesburgers!
He’s sporting one bulbulous peeper which enables him to see with 20 vision. He has a champion chopper of a mouth for pulling corks or so he can otherwise tell you just how much he loves you. Either way, the entire head becomes a major flapper. He has no ears for listening which is irrelevant because…Who listens when all you care about…you know about! He has three fingers on each hand and can only count to six…but then…have you ever seen kookaburra count?…he just sits in the “ol gum tree”!…so no!
With all that said, the one thing he has that you don’t is a sunbrella poking out of his noodle. If the two of you should ever fall from the top of a high-rise Hoodoo head without a chute, chances are…he will go on to become some kind of ping-pong champion or something while you just lay there licking out of a straw!
Dwarf (in folklore) A small legendary manlike being who is usually misshapen and ugly and skilled as a craftsman.- Merriam Webster
In this case Spud is a superior athlete who gets tossed around like a “bag of skunks”. He hails from way down under, has zero body fat and takes his job seriously…so don’t try to pinch his prize beetroot mince you Sprogs!
“Gat gunk” refers to the sound the Mook’s throat makes as he is swallowing your head…duh! This term is based on a song my mother used to sing about a little green frog when I was a grimy little cherub. Yes I’ve been carrying this around like a Baby Grand piano my entire life! What of it?
The foot is the terminal portion of a limb which bears weight and allows locomotion. It is a complex mechanical structure containing 33 joints, 20 of which are actively articulated. There are 26 bones not including the teeth, 2 sockets with 1 creepy oculus per each. There is 1 huge alimentary canal that receives food which also supports a soft and hard palate and 1 squiggly little punching bag in the back! Next to the gingiva there is 1 fat, stinky tongue.
It’s no wonder socks smell like green bacon!
The Sun literally contains 99.8% of the total mass of the Solar System. Since it is 70% hydrogen, 28% helium and 99% flatulence, I’d say Smiley is a total gas!…A superstar…if you will. If you won’t…too bad for you!
If brains were corn flakes then this pointy-hogging musclehead would most assuredly starve to death. My nephew once overheard me complaining about the Federal Government…He thought I said “Little Gumfront”.
This tyrannical “Snotnose”…stupendous overlord that he is, likes to indulge the Declaration of Independence with a “Whiff of Roundshot” from his underarm Howitzer!…But just because he gets a five-finger discount on your wages all the live-long day doesn’t mean he has the right to squash the liberties of “We the People” with his arms of steel.
But enough about the Federal Government…shall I tell you about the Li’l Gumfrn’t?
SAME
He’s a tunesmith and a rip-roarin’ showman!…But guess what? He doesn’t care about you or the beatitude you rode in on. That would be one inordinate fascination he has regarding his own cuticles. His hat, strategically dipped below one eye…apricot scarf and all, he probably thinks the song is about him…but man can he shoot a guitar like nobody’s business!!!
The Horse (maximus equinas ferriswheel) generally maintains a “fight or flight” response when threatened. It is an odd-toed ungulate, normally well balanced which enables it to make use of it’s speed and strength. Ol’ Dollar like most stallions has developed the sense of loyalty you might come to expect from any domesticated and heavily sedated (or hypnotized) prototype of selective breeding.
Three cheers for the Corneasawhorse!!
Known in an earlier day from an earlier story as Z-11, The Flimp has advanced to become seriously one of the most atrocious snafflers of the ages! Because he is the roundish reproductive body produced by the female of some certain animal, he would not be expected to live long as an egg because he is organic and has no preservatives…therefore…his yoke is cooked one way or another. I prefer a delicious quiche because contrary to what has been said…”real men” think quiche is a savory open tart of scrumptiosness!
This is true because Skottybee says it is!
What must be said?…He’s a crazy li’l taco!
A small lump of corn or stunted piece…He could have just as easily been called “Stub”. He’s so small…he could milk a cow standing up! He doesn’t do that however because every time he does he gets milk all in his eyes and down the front of his shirt.
“Just Peachy” is an expression many use sarcastically when they are obviously ticked off and yet…some lunkhead still has the oysters to ask…”And how are we feeling today?” Just for the record, Peachy Bean is a booster of nitro! Lay a foul tongue on her and she is likely to go all ape-monkey on your bad self! Once you see her running around with her chicken cut off, you will forever understand why they call it the “Terrible Twos”!
Ever hear of a chamber pot?…a bedpan? Well now you know what a slopjar is. (eewwe!) Not to feel bad however; li’l Sloppy has an extra prehensile multi-fingered appendage growing from his cranium…an extra set of digits for manipulation and sensation. He has four fingers on top and three on each arm for a total of…ten…fingers…huh?…that’s no different than any normal human. Just for that, he deserves to be called “Porta Potty”!
“Hey Porta Potty…What’s up?”
He looks like he is ready for the party but really he’s the “Pooper” you hear so much about. You could play checkers on his herculon beak if you could get close enough. Chances are, you might get a face full of webbed-toedness. He’s just one of those guys who is never gonna be happy. We see the world as half full and he sees the World as full of it. Come to think of it…the whole World is completely full of it!
I’m not even sure why I’m here!
Have you ever eaten Moo-Goo Gai Pan? If not then you’ve obviously never been to Shandong! In Cantonese the word “sum” means…well it doesn’t mean anything but in English it means the total of an equation. “Dum” doesn’t mean anything either but in English it means “stupidity”. “Gai” in Cantonese means “chicken” (for reals). The name Sum-Dum Gai translates into English…”The total stupidity of chicken!” Ok…I made that whole thing up but here’s something I didn’t make up…
“Never stick your elbow in your ear.”- Confucious
Purported Chinese word play off of an expression for the common sneeze…Wrong! This name actually refers to the single noise a train makes as it chugs down the track. As opposed to “choo-choo” it is simply “ah-choo”!….Can’t believe you didn’t know that! Hmmmph
You can’t pronounce it can you? That’s why he is called Ung! At the risk of ambiguity, we will refer to him as…U. U is a good tracker with a keen eye for “sign” but since there are no signs in the desert, U doesn’t have a clue where U is going. Neither do any of the rest of them for that matter…and neither do yoU !!!
Let’s just talk about yoU with your GPS…all proud of yoUrself looking down yoUr nose at U. U has more sense of direction in his squash blossom necklace than yoU have in yoUr entire smart phone!
One day…yoU’re gonna get lost and yoU’ll be all cryin and squealing “Mama! Mama!…and yoU know who WON’T be there?…… U !!!
Retired rodeo clown…oops I’m sorry…rodeo protection athelete, Chilibean was never really very good at his job. His resume includes numerous encounters with reptiles and small mammals which have resulted largely in him getting his butt kicked. You have to say one thing for him though…he has a lot of heart! And no…I don’t mean courage. The lack of rhythm in his atrioventricular node results in backflow which causes the heart to swell up like a balloon and prohibits pulmonary circulation to the lung tissue.
This is why he could never even beat up a prairie dog!
This perennial flower lives in the fog of dreams manifest by a succession of images, ideas, emotions and sensations that usually occur involuntarily in her subconscious mind. She has both successfully pulled the wool over our eyes as well as over her own hand.
That reminds me…Are you familiar with Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz? If not you should read the book or see the movie…it’s really good!
Anyway…Misty Milkweed has been ventrilokissed with both lips. I mean…for the love of Pete man…she is part sock puppet!
Dew hickey-A skin blemish-especially a mark caused by biting or sucking of the skin by wicked tiny droplets of water that form when atmospheric vapor condenses.
What a load of hooey! This is the psychopathic alter ego of Misty Milkweed. Her mom is an Army blanket and never told her not to speak if she had nothing nice to say. She holds a black belt in verbal Judo and would immediately commence with an Anaconda Choke until you tap out! This kooky cuff link has gotten too big for her sleeve…and she’s stupid ugly!
Born in 1945, a Colorado chicken affectionately known as Mike was beheaded for supper with the executioner’s mother-in-law. It was quickly discovered that Mike was still alive. Instead of putting him in a pot of dumplings, the owner, Lloyd Olsen decided to feed him with an eyedropper of milk and water and otherwise with small grains of corn. “Miracle Mike” went on to perform in side shows and actually made money for the Olsens. He was valued at $10,000.
Then one fateful day in 1947 at a Phoenix motel, Mike burbled and choked on a grain of corn in the middle of the night. The Olsens were unable to successfully perform mouth-to-neck resuscitation. More than likely, “Miracle Mike” became a delicious cacciatore.
This has nothing to do with Sploogel but that’s really none of your affair!
More commonly known as “they”…”them”…the Hoodoo are named after weathered rock formations otherwise known as tent rocks, fairy chimneys, and earth pyramids. The heavy cap pressing downward gives the Hoodoo it’s strength to resist erosion. Sometimes Hoodoo heads are capped with magnesium-rich limestone called dolomite. But no matter how hard your Hoodoo heads are, don’t think for a minute that this would preclude the Mook from chewing off your pinnacles like a box of Cracker Jacks …even if the prize inside is nothing more than the same old lick-em, stick-em tattoo!
…And since we are on the subject…What malignant think tank concluded that Cracker Jacks would actually be more appealing to eager children the world over by replacing the actual “toy surprise” with what is now game codes for an Android app?
“Oh look Mommy…an internet link…I am unable to control my bladder due to these immense feelings of wonder and astonishment!”
This gal is named after the Southern California town of El Segundo which originated as a Mexican land grant and later became known for it’s petroleum refineries. As a southwestern belle (and I don’t mean telephone), she likes to sing, dance and gamble. What’s more important to know is that she is a tickler. The problem with that is back in the day, they didn’t have diapers for old people and indoor plumbing was scarce. Get too close to her and you would likely wee, wee, wee all the way home…and the whole town would laugh at you…and the General Store would cut off your credit!
Bread basket and love handles above the rest, one might wonder why we never see the Councilman’s face. Well one should just learn to mind one’s own business! …But since you asked…this legislator is essentially a Scottish metaphor to the Moko Jumbie of the Caribs…and as interesting as that may be…
I just didn’t feel like drawing another face!
Would you look at the mouth on that thing!! Yara-ma-yha-who is an actual legendary man-eating creature of Australian Aboriginal folklore. Unsuspecting victims were consumed and ultimately regurgitated which left them shorter than before. It repeats this process several times until the victims themselves are transformed into Yara-ma-yha-whos. This is quite a fable…personally…I would like to see a list of names of all of the Ozzies who would keep passing under this humongous pie hole to be eaten and re-eaten and then re-eaten some more!
A hink that dingles! It doesn’t take a rocket surgerist to put two and two together. He’s obviously a Scandinavian-Irishman who can’t seem to keep his head about him. Hawker extraordinaire, Hinky lives for your bread and butter…No!…He lives for your gravy…and by gravy I don’t mean your money. I’m talking about that stuff you put on mashed potatoes. If you had a megaphone for a head, I’m pretty sure gravy would be about all you could squeeze through that little funnel of yours…
Except for ice cream! He lives for your ice cream!
This character was based on a nickname frequently brought to bear by…once again…good ol’ Mom. Not gonna tell you what that name is because if I told you, you would laugh and make fun of me! Instead of turning blue…I would probably turn red…and I am not going to afford you that opportunity.
Scared?…Are too!! The guy carries a burlwood club with root spikes all over it! …of course you are trembling in your toxic little Buster Browns! And because he is Hink’s Gatekeeper to the Circus and Wild West Rodeo show…Hinkdingle gets to do all the things you wanna do!
Every town needs law and order. Unfortunately for the cretins of Shindig, they ended up with a “tongue-wag” who snorks his spittle! Oh he does mean well but not as well as the Flimp does mean. You might say he is the bootlicker of the Bootleggs…except for one thing…if Snorky literally dismounted to the Earth’s canvas to lick the Flimp’s boots, he would not be able to return to the original upright position…ultimately prompting his reliable posse to go out and rob a couple of trains and what-not until he gets back up.
But you say…”Skottybee…everyone snorks their spittle a little!” Really?…I don’t! I thought you were better than that!
Myum…Myum…Who doesn’t love a big fat cupcake? Never in a hurry, always just waddling down Main Street smashing hoof prints deep into the mud so cowboys will have something to drink out of long after it stops raining. My favorite part is the trail of chocolate frosted road apples…kinda like a little superhighway of ding dongs!
